It's My Fault.

I honestly want to say that it's not my fault... but who in their right or drunken mind gets in the car with someone who they barely know and has seen drink all night. WHO? Oh, that's right me. Letting out feelings tonight is literally making me feel like the damn ocean. Ebbing and flowing towards the shore but never staying in one place.
My mind is going all sorts of ridiculous.
I never got depressed. No, I had fic to cheer me up. I had wonderful women who lived anywhere from 5 miles to 10000 miles away from me to cheer me up. But now, as I sit and look at my life... I'm behind a semester in school, I'm not fully healed, I will most likely never be able to run or dance or play sports... And it scares me. It makes me want to bawl like a baby. But it is entirely my fault.
Not only did I get in that car, I didn't push myself. I didn't push myself hard enough. Yes, I made it a point to be able to take my beautiful god daughter trick or treating. I walked before I should have. But I didn't fight for more therapy. I didn't take it to the state. I didn't take a thousand out of my settlement to go back to therapy. Instead I went back to hanging out with my friends and trying to be normal. But I'll never be normal again. Yeah, being able to park handicap has it's perks. Being able to cut line at disney has it perks... but not being able to go back to sports or working out or being able to join the military or be a fucking waitress of all things is bringing me down.
Why does it matter so damn much? It could have been so much worse. I met people who persevered through trials and tribulations that I can't even fathom.
I wouldn't be able to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. I wouldn't be able to depend on someone else for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to smile knowing that I'd never be able to earn my degree or work in the 'real world' yet these people do it everyday.
It makes me feel like I should suck it the fuck up and do what I can.
Yes, I could diet instead of work out.
Yes, I could try to walk miles instead of do therapy.
Yes, I could get a quiet little desk job and worry about school when the next semester came around.
BUT THAT'S NOT ME.
Never has been. I'm a jump in the game, play the game, win the game girl. Always have been, always will be.
Why is it so damn hard for me to let go and change?