I honestly want to say that it's not my fault... but who in their right or drunken mind gets in the car with someone who they barely know and has seen drink all night. WHO? Oh, that's right me. Letting out feelings tonight is literally making me feel like the damn ocean. Ebbing and flowing towards the shore but never staying in one place.
My mind is going all sorts of ridiculous.
I never got depressed. No, I had fic to cheer me up. I had wonderful women who lived anywhere from 5 miles to 10000 miles away from me to cheer me up. But now, as I sit and look at my life... I'm behind a semester in school, I'm not fully healed, I will most likely never be able to run or dance or play sports... And it scares me. It makes me want to bawl like a baby. But it is entirely my fault.
Not only did I get in that car, I didn't push myself. I didn't push myself hard enough. Yes, I made it a point to be able to take my beautiful god daughter trick or treating. I walked before I should have. But I didn't fight for more therapy. I didn't take it to the state. I didn't take a thousand out of my settlement to go back to therapy. Instead I went back to hanging out with my friends and trying to be normal. But I'll never be normal again. Yeah, being able to park handicap has it's perks. Being able to cut line at disney has it perks... but not being able to go back to sports or working out or being able to join the military or be a fucking waitress of all things is bringing me down.
Why does it matter so damn much? It could have been so much worse. I met people who persevered through trials and tribulations that I can't even fathom.
I wouldn't be able to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair. I wouldn't be able to depend on someone else for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be able to smile knowing that I'd never be able to earn my degree or work in the 'real world' yet these people do it everyday.
It makes me feel like I should suck it the fuck up and do what I can.
Yes, I could diet instead of work out.
Yes, I could try to walk miles instead of do therapy.
Yes, I could get a quiet little desk job and worry about school when the next semester came around.
BUT THAT'S NOT ME.
Never has been. I'm a jump in the game, play the game, win the game girl. Always have been, always will be.
Why is it so damn hard for me to let go and change?
5.28.2011
5.27.2011
My Life. A Cathartic Rambling.
I can't say it sucks. I also cannot say that it's amazingly fanfuckintabulous.
I firmly believe that everyone goes through their ups and downs... Well some of us have more downs than ups, and some of us have such great ups that the downs never matter.
Some things you should know:
I'm young but I hate when people use that as an argument or excuse regarding my opinions.
I was in a car accident exactly 10 days after my 21st birthday. I spent 3 months in a wheelchair and am COMPLETELY AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING.
I'm opinionated as hell and don't give a crap if you don't agree. I might not agree with you so learn to use this phrase : Let's agree to disagree.
I don't get along with females very well... it might have something to do with competition or just the general catty-ness that they all possess.
I grew up as one of the boys and have some really weird views on relationships because of it. FWB (friends with benefits) are commonplace in my life.
I'm currently attempting to stay a completely positive person.
Now that you know all of that let's hash out some water under the bridge bullshit from my past:
My best friend of 6 years who I jokingly attempted to persuade to join me on the dark side (she was a goody two shoes and I loved her for it)... lost her virginity to the guy I was FWB with. Did I mention they were both sober at the time? Did I mention that he and I were in the middle of a pregnancy scare? Did I mention that we were talking about actually dating because he "loved" me?
Yea... let's just say I learned from it and decided that friends were worth more than guys, dropped him and attempted fixing the friendship with her. She then decided she really liked my sloppy seconds. She happened to become FWB with 3 of my ex's (in succession not all at the same time). So I finally dropped her. My life is less stressful because of it.
My sister and I never got along. We love each other don't get me wrong, but we just always had aggression towards one another. Whether that anger/resentment/aggression was because of our family dynamic I'll never know, but I've always been the one who stood up for her. I was the one who took care of her after her two relationships (the only ones she had ever been in) ended horribly. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It's what sisters are for. To be there when no one else will be. My sister and I grew very close after her last relationship ended. To the point where we were hanging out just the two of us and we had the same mutual group of friends (most of which were previously just my friends). After my accident, she made it all about her. I didn't thank her for buying me clothes (which I couldnt wear because of a broken arm and leg), or the face wash she brought me, or her painting my nails so I could "feel more human" (her words not mine) or the real food she brought me because let's face it, hospital food SUCKS. I also didn't appreciate her for letting EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING MOTHER KNOW THAT I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. Or for telling our father (who had just had a heart attack) that his baby girl was in a car accident and was now in the hospital (before she had any info such as- the injuries or how it happened or if I was driving). Or for finding it just hi-fuckin-larious to tell everyone that the reason my left side was broken (instead of my right because i was the passanger) was because I was giving the driver road head (vulgar, I know, but it's what happened).
Let's just say our 'relationship' is no more. Not because of me. No... I'm the bleeding fucking heart who apologizes when it's not necessary, and tries to stay in contact because in the end- she is the only family I will have when our parents are gone. Yet she still holds a grudge and can't tell a single person her real reasons for being mad at me. She has told a different story to each person who has asked. She has even gone so far as telling a father-like figure of mine that she really misses me and hopes that I'LL TALK TO HER AGAIN SOON... Of course I'm at the point where I've decided friends are the family you can choose.
I finished high school a year early because my mother got her second DUI and wasn't able to drive herself to and from work because of losing her license. I figured i owe my mother so I finished school online and gave up my senior year for her. I don't resent her for it at all, but sometimes I wish she would give me more credit for it and stop putting my sister on a pedestal when I do a lot for her compared to the nothing my sister does.
Now of course after my accident my mother was more loving and took care of me and I'll NEVER BE ABLE TO REPAY HER... but she doesn't see the correlation between her taking care of me and my leaving school early. Nor does she understand why it upsets me so much when she keeps giving to my sister when my sister doesn't repay her or help her in any way. I guess it's really not my problem and I shouldn't worry about it, but it's my mother and when she's unhappy I get to deal with it.
I tend to form relationships of any kind easily. I love people and i obviously LOVE to talk. Well I met a guy not too long ago that I've been rambling about non-stop. He is 33 and a karaoke host... At first he was very interested in me. Until he figured out I wanted more than FWB (shocking I know) that's when I found out he had an on and off gf of 6 years and used to like my sister. Now this sounds horrible but he was very sweet about it and didnt come out and say it was because of me wanting more... no his exact words were 'you're awesome but seeing you and your sister together made me want to come clean and let you know that as of right now I will most likely be getting back together with R*****a.'
We're still friends but how do you turn feelings off? I can't completely cut him out because my friends and I go to his shows... and I do like him as a friend too.
So there you have it. A little synopsis. I'm sure there will be a time were I'll have to hash out other shit that has happened but eh shit happens. At least this was a form of releasing the pent up feelings. OMFG I can feel. haha.
I firmly believe that everyone goes through their ups and downs... Well some of us have more downs than ups, and some of us have such great ups that the downs never matter.
Some things you should know:
I'm young but I hate when people use that as an argument or excuse regarding my opinions.
I was in a car accident exactly 10 days after my 21st birthday. I spent 3 months in a wheelchair and am COMPLETELY AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING.
I'm opinionated as hell and don't give a crap if you don't agree. I might not agree with you so learn to use this phrase : Let's agree to disagree.
I don't get along with females very well... it might have something to do with competition or just the general catty-ness that they all possess.
I grew up as one of the boys and have some really weird views on relationships because of it. FWB (friends with benefits) are commonplace in my life.
I'm currently attempting to stay a completely positive person.
Now that you know all of that let's hash out some water under the bridge bullshit from my past:
My best friend of 6 years who I jokingly attempted to persuade to join me on the dark side (she was a goody two shoes and I loved her for it)... lost her virginity to the guy I was FWB with. Did I mention they were both sober at the time? Did I mention that he and I were in the middle of a pregnancy scare? Did I mention that we were talking about actually dating because he "loved" me?
Yea... let's just say I learned from it and decided that friends were worth more than guys, dropped him and attempted fixing the friendship with her. She then decided she really liked my sloppy seconds. She happened to become FWB with 3 of my ex's (in succession not all at the same time). So I finally dropped her. My life is less stressful because of it.
My sister and I never got along. We love each other don't get me wrong, but we just always had aggression towards one another. Whether that anger/resentment/aggression was because of our family dynamic I'll never know, but I've always been the one who stood up for her. I was the one who took care of her after her two relationships (the only ones she had ever been in) ended horribly. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It's what sisters are for. To be there when no one else will be. My sister and I grew very close after her last relationship ended. To the point where we were hanging out just the two of us and we had the same mutual group of friends (most of which were previously just my friends). After my accident, she made it all about her. I didn't thank her for buying me clothes (which I couldnt wear because of a broken arm and leg), or the face wash she brought me, or her painting my nails so I could "feel more human" (her words not mine) or the real food she brought me because let's face it, hospital food SUCKS. I also didn't appreciate her for letting EVERYONE AND THEIR FUCKING MOTHER KNOW THAT I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. Or for telling our father (who had just had a heart attack) that his baby girl was in a car accident and was now in the hospital (before she had any info such as- the injuries or how it happened or if I was driving). Or for finding it just hi-fuckin-larious to tell everyone that the reason my left side was broken (instead of my right because i was the passanger) was because I was giving the driver road head (vulgar, I know, but it's what happened).
Let's just say our 'relationship' is no more. Not because of me. No... I'm the bleeding fucking heart who apologizes when it's not necessary, and tries to stay in contact because in the end- she is the only family I will have when our parents are gone. Yet she still holds a grudge and can't tell a single person her real reasons for being mad at me. She has told a different story to each person who has asked. She has even gone so far as telling a father-like figure of mine that she really misses me and hopes that I'LL TALK TO HER AGAIN SOON... Of course I'm at the point where I've decided friends are the family you can choose.
I finished high school a year early because my mother got her second DUI and wasn't able to drive herself to and from work because of losing her license. I figured i owe my mother so I finished school online and gave up my senior year for her. I don't resent her for it at all, but sometimes I wish she would give me more credit for it and stop putting my sister on a pedestal when I do a lot for her compared to the nothing my sister does.
Now of course after my accident my mother was more loving and took care of me and I'll NEVER BE ABLE TO REPAY HER... but she doesn't see the correlation between her taking care of me and my leaving school early. Nor does she understand why it upsets me so much when she keeps giving to my sister when my sister doesn't repay her or help her in any way. I guess it's really not my problem and I shouldn't worry about it, but it's my mother and when she's unhappy I get to deal with it.
I tend to form relationships of any kind easily. I love people and i obviously LOVE to talk. Well I met a guy not too long ago that I've been rambling about non-stop. He is 33 and a karaoke host... At first he was very interested in me. Until he figured out I wanted more than FWB (shocking I know) that's when I found out he had an on and off gf of 6 years and used to like my sister. Now this sounds horrible but he was very sweet about it and didnt come out and say it was because of me wanting more... no his exact words were 'you're awesome but seeing you and your sister together made me want to come clean and let you know that as of right now I will most likely be getting back together with R*****a.'
We're still friends but how do you turn feelings off? I can't completely cut him out because my friends and I go to his shows... and I do like him as a friend too.
So there you have it. A little synopsis. I'm sure there will be a time were I'll have to hash out other shit that has happened but eh shit happens. At least this was a form of releasing the pent up feelings. OMFG I can feel. haha.
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